cuteinchaos's Blog

A story I just posted reminded me exactly just how scared I am about going through labor a second time. I will officially be 8 months pregnant on Friday and I get so much more nervous as time goes by.

For some reason the women in my family all suffer from back labor ALWAYS. I was no different during the birth of my first daughter, 14 hours of labor and in complete agony lol. The epidural didn't do much but allow me 20 minutes of sleep and I cannot begin to describe how good it felt when that needle was going into my back haha.
I was in the showers constantly because "it helps the pain". Uhh, really..? Because I felt no difference.
I was given heating pads. Nothing. I was given a body pillow. Nothing. I was given a massage. Nothing.
Nothing helped and the epidural barely did anything as I mentioned above.

So yeah, I'm just always worried about the pain now. I know I'll survive.. I think.

Besides dealing with the addiction my parents had, my childhood was pretty fun. I had a lot of friends and I was free to do just about anything and go just about anywhere.
I lived on the border between two towns and would make daily trips to either one of them, normally the one closest to the river. My friends and I would go down there, sit for hours... smoking, playing guitar, bullshitting..whatever.
My parents decided to move in 2005 due to potential foreclosure and of course I had to be taken along for the ride.
I was 20 miles away from the only school district I had ever known, 20 miles away from all my friends and 20 miles away from the place I knew as home.

My friend asked me a week ago if I wanted to come to a town event they hold in my hometown. Sure, why not? I haven't been there in almost six years.
I had been longing to go back, I've passed by there so many times in the car and always felt a strange feeling.
Today I experienced that feeling full force. It was rejection.

In some weird way I feel as though I turned my back on my hometown and in return it wanted nothing to do with me. I used to feel like queen of the castle, like, "Hey, this is my town and if you don't like it get the fuck out."
I felt like I didn't belong, like it wanted me to leave. It looked so unfamiliar, so far away even though I was right in the middle of it all.

Today the town I used to love chewed me up and spit me right back out. A complete slap in the face. I was so happy to come home today, so exhausted and just so emotionally worn out. All over a stupid town.
The memories are still there, I wish I could go back. I proved today that I couldn't though, it was just too much for me to handle.

I always love the thought of having a blog. I start one and then a few days later delete it because I never keep up with it or have anything interesting to put down. I'll probably keep this one though, I don't feel the pressure to type something up for it every day.

I still feel extremely new to EP despite having 500 some groups and stories. Tonight I decided to check out other things the site has to offer like the dream thing. Pretty cool actually, I have some funky dreams that I wouldn't mind sharing. I'm really starting to feel comfortable here, people really open up when they are hiding behind their keyboards. I love it though and I really don't mean it as an insult, just generally people aren't this open in real life and I guess that was the whole purpose (duhhh)
I try not to judge, I really do but sometimes.. some people and their stories really get to me. I just want to reach through the screen and shake the hell out of them for being so stupid. I'm sure people may feel the same about me though.